Shattered

It’s been a while since I updated my blog. As much as I want to write here more often because it’s one of my own ways of detoxifying my heavy heart, I just can’t gather my thoughts from emotional exhaustion. Dealing with life’s reality is really overwhelming. There are times I want to escape from it and break away. If only…

Before I slept last night, I was thinking of my father. I even cried because I miss him so much. I thought of things like, “what if he’s still with us? Why did he had to go so soon? Is he okay wherever he is right now?” I badly want him back but he’s already resting peacefully. Sometimes I imagine the impossible. Maybe I should stop thinking of things that would hinder his resting in peace.

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When my father passed away, I got curious on so many things including the life after death, final destination of the human soul, and whatnot. Aside from the Christian beliefs I knew, I did some reading on how other religions view death and the life after it. I guess, when you lost someone you love, you’d really be curious on where would they be.

I read about one interesting article (I forgot what group it was from) that when someone died, his/her spirit will be on a deep sleep. The living family, relatives, and friends can communicate with him/her through prayers and by talking to God. I actually do it. I’d ask God to always tell daddy we love him.

However, there’s one article I read that I refused to believe in. About reincarnation. They said that when someone passed away, his/her soul will be born again into a completely new person and all the memories he/she had from the previous life are deleted. It’s totally depressing when someone you love would not remember you. It’s one of the worst feelings ever.

Nevertheless, I know my daddy is watching over us in the arms of God. We can talk to him and tell him how’s our day through God, that’s all that matters. God took him because he’s a precious gem full of compassion and love. I miss him but Heaven is the best place for him. I’m just thankful that he became my father.

I was not a good daughter, I have so many regrets and guilt that I think I’m going to live with for the rest of my life. I wish I’d be able to redeem myself but I don’t know how now that I will never get to see my father again. If God would give me a chance to talk to him, I have so many things in mind I want to tell him personally. Things I didn’t say when he was still alive. If God would allow me to be with daddy again for a day, I’d go on leave from work and spend the day with him in places he’s been to. The places where he has so many cherished memories with mom.

I was so busy with my own personal stuff, I forgot my parents are not getting any younger. A daughter, left brokenhearted and devastated by the lost of her first love… tell me how is it going to be now?! 😥

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